Month: February 2016

Dungeons & Demons

My PTSD is giving me 100x worse PTSD

Hey friends, I am in a pretty dark place. In the last few months, some old demons resurfaced, and it seemed necessary, emotionally and psychologically, to deal with them. I’ve been trying to stay positive, but I feel like I’m losing ground every day. I would never hurt myself or anything that, but I’m reaching the point of… despair. That’s the best way I can explain it. If you believe in good vibes, prayers, “helpers”, and that sort of thing, all I can ask is that you send some my way.

The Journey

It just hit me, why people would work on shedding their desires. I understood it made clearer one’s spiritual path, but I always thought that must an impossible struggle. But I’m realizing the more content you are with yourself, your place in this existence, the less you seek external means of altering your mental state.

We all seek an ecstatic state. We catch fleeting glimpses of this happiness when we supplement our lives with things and behaviors meant to give a quick fix, be it drinking or drugs, buying yourself something, eating something decadent, or even sex. I’m not saying any of these things are bad. They do help for a small while – until you wake up the next morning hungover.

When you realize you can reach a similar state without any external stimulation, it’s less interesting to get there using ‘something’ to make you happier. I’d even say it’s easier to find contentment.

PS – this is not one of those smug ‘look at my wonderful life’ posts intended to make you feel less good about your own. My life is not ideal, and I’m working through some serious, pretty dark issues. But, I am absolutely happy with the progress I have made at this point in my journey.

What a difference a year makes

Geez what a difference a year of focusing on mental state helps. Last year, I bought the hidden vial crucifix like in Cruel Intentions, and now I’m oohing over malas.

 

What we should have been taught in school

 

The crippling thing about growing up poor

https://www.facebook.com/washingtonpost/posts/10153553277687293

I’ve been saying this for years. It’s the after effects of food insecurity. Not totally unrelated to hoarding and the perception of scarcity.

I wish someone would have warned me

…that meditation can eventually lead to (temporarily, I assume) feeling like you will never sleep well or feel safe in your own body again.

But coke is kinda creepy…

Wow, mescaline looks wonderful! So beautiful.

http://www.boredpanda.com/how-different-drugs-affect-you-artist-illustrations-art-brian-pollett/

I’m going to be

The “mindfulness” app my work is having us use has a sexy Australian speaker. I’m going to be so   ….

Helpful People

So,.. my bathroom is in my ‘helpful people’ section of the bagua (if you practice feng shui, which I don’t but…).

But, I’ve taken to cleaning my bathroom whenever I’m stressed about work or health stuff with people who have been unhelpful, while telling myself “So-and-so is going to help me with this-and-that today”. Mostly just to destress myself.

Weirdly the person ends up helping me right away every time.

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