Today, I made my first attempt at “morning pages” (an exercise from The Artist’s Way).  I’m planning to do these for at least twelve weeks in an effort to “unstick” myself creatively and otherwise.

I’ve long missed having creative pursuits within my life.  It seems for the past fifteen years, I’ve only made time for isolated projects — a Halloween costume there, picking out colors to redecorate here.  I’ve made occasional efforts to sketch, only to find myself drained of creativity and unable to access any talents.  I’ve been content to just “come home” (or move from desk to bed) and watch hours of Netflix or passively hit refresh on Facebook.  I haven’t even kept up with my reading which was always theinterest I felt defined me.  Well, reading and music.

I can tell that I am still depressed not by the days when I feel very low but by the rest of the days when I feel little of anything.  I haven’t listened to music in weeks.  I have no longer been motivated to try anything new, whether an album or a TV show.  I’m re-watching the same shows I already watched in the last few years. What’s strange is I don’t remember seeing the episodes, though I know I did.

I feel even less motivation to write.  Every few sentences, I find myself distracted, checking Facebook or email or just staring off into space.  I haven’t felt engaged in a long time.   Part of this is the lack of engagement at work, which destroys my morale.

When I found out I would be getting laid off, after the initial shock and worry quickly wore off, I began planning my new life, one that didn’t bind me to a computer for set hours each day.  I dreamed of finally doing something artistic as a business pursuit. In fact, I didn’t just dream — I dove in, setting up a business license, PO box, and a website.  I bought supplies to craft — jewelry making, clothing making, photography. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars were spent intending to set up a productive business.  Months later, I sit at my desk surrounded by this clutter and feel no motivation to begin.  It’s more than that really — I fear I have no ideas, or at least no original ideas, no ideas that others would want to buy.

Something as simple as watching some YouTube tutorials for the type of jewelry making I want to do….  has taken me three months to even consider watching.  To even start looking for and queueing up playlists, not even to watch.  Is this just my fear of failure at work?  Or is it something deeper?  I know doing these projects would be enjoyable, even if they don’t result in something I feel I can sell.  Why am I so unmotivated? Why do I not even want to do things I have previously enjoyed?

Worse, I have turned every potential project, every potential way to make money into a way to spend money.  Rather than making some basic jewelry, I’ve accumulated hundreds of dollars of crystals and stones that I may or may not ever use.  I’ve acquired more painting supplies than I could use in years (if I were to actually paint).  Each time I consider artistic work, I find something to spend money on instead. Instead of learning how to use my camera or Adobe products, I almost bought Ultra Fractal.  It looks cool – don’t get me wrong – I want to buy it some day, but today if purchased, it would become another thing I never used. Instead of trying a basic cross stitch sampler or one of the patterns I’ve purchased, I wanted to buy a cross stitch pattern making program.  Another thing I would probably never use.  Just like my old camera.  Just like my knitting pattern making program.  Just like the thousands of dollars of yarn and fabric I ended up donating when I left San Francisco.  I think I am still reeling from the loss of so many supplies (and knowing I wasted so much money).  Yet I keep doing it.

What would it take for me to begin being creative again?  I am starting with my environment.  For at least 12 years, I lived with nothing on the walls, no art, no objects.  In San Francisco, it was tolerable because the walls were (mostly) brightly colored themselves.  Gold encrusted brown in the living room, “lilac lavender” in the bedroom, sunny yellow in the laundry room, pink tiles in the bathroom.  The rooms I frequented had vibrant color and it made the lack of art less noticeable.  Here in beige Bothell, that lack is noticed.  It’s gotten to me.  So now I am putting up Art in an effort to make myself want more “art” in my life.  Heidi has encouraged me to use my own photographs as artwork, so I’ve begun. It feels a bit false to me, like I’m not really hanging artwork at all, but I’ve proceeded nonetheless.

Only a week ago, I was finishing my Psychology course, the first college course I’ve completed in years and the first of several I must finish in order to be eligible to apply for grad schools.  Making art or crafts of some type was intended to be a source of income while I attend school, and it occurs to me that I would have to treat it like school or a job in terms of making the commitment and the time.  I was miserable within my course schedule, I felt like all my time was booked, but I was able to do it.

So perhaps it’s time to make that commitment to myself and to my art.

I won’t force myself to work on something I am not able to work on, but I can make myself spend the time on Art.  Whether that is framing and hanging art, sketching ideas, watching tutorials, or creating… that will be up to me, myself and I on the days in question.  I will also give myself the time to write these pages each morning — if not before work, early in the day.  I will also give myself time to meditate on creativity and feeling protected and encouraged to produce creatively.

Due to our work’s “Flexible Fridays” program, I’ll be off work by 10AM on Friday.  I need to get my allergy shot and can spend some time reading while waiting the requisite time.  But, after I get home, there is a lot of time open for projects.  I’d like to accomplish some goals before Friday, to remove excuses from having an extended “art date.”  On Wednesday and Thursday, I want to cut mats and frame the art that is on my couch — the art for my bedroom.   By Friday morning, I should be ready to put up pictures of San Francisco, Paris, Granada.  I can be inspired by the places I’ve been and the artistry I saw in these landscapes and buildings.  I can be inspired by the beautiful photographs I took in these cities.  I can be inspired by my “garden” just feet outside on the patio.

On Friday, weather permitting, I’m going to draw or paint outside for at least an hour.  After that is done, I’m going to watch or read tutorials and practice wire wrapping basics.  I’m kind of afraid to even try either of these things, but I’m going to do it.  If my efforts go miserably, what have I wasted other than a few hours and a bit of supplies?

Addendum: obviously I did not follow through on any of this. :/