Tag: mind

When fear becomes strength

A week spent realizing how very brave I am. One of the bravest people I have known. It’s weird to be coming out the other side of the last few years with this perspective. A year ago I was so afraid and so hurt that I didn’t think I would survive it. I sincerely believe death would have been easier. I thought about it quite often. I felt so cowardly, but there were many times when the only thing stopping me was not wanting to be responsible for that much hurt in other people. You: my friends, the portion of my family whose feelings I care about and respect. I know you wouldn’t have blamed me. But it would have hurt, and there were a few people I love that would have never really recovered from it. You would have become as broken as I felt.

I see now that being brave isn’t about being fearless. It’s about seeing that fear, recognizing its depth, understanding that it can and probably will break you down to your very core, that you will be irrevocably changed, and yet refusing to run from it. Refusing to yield to it. Meeting your demons, staring them down, forcing them to be the ones to look away. To run from you. To fear you. Because the fear that had once overwhelmed you is no match for your strength. Because your fear has been transmuted into power.

Made of stars

So I’ve been practicing energy work on myself for a little more than a year now, experimenting with different techniques but mostly just trying to intuit it.

For a variety of reasons, my chakras were so clogged, dark energy everywhere, in some places so thick that the area looks black rather than the color of that chakra’s (normal) vibration, as well as lots of things embedded in them, knotted spots, caged off areas, and even gaping holes. Lots of very deep-seated traumas and fears and a minefield of painful memories.

Over time, it has really almost started to freak me out how directly these wounds correspond to physical ailments, especially bodily pain. Clear some of this gunk and you literally feel a muscle or tendon or something relax, usually from someplace deep inside your flesh. I notice it most really close to bones – along my spine, my neck, shoulders, hipbones.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this openly, but I was tentatively diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year, after years of trying to figure out what was going on. So many tests, medications, chiropractic adjustments, so much physical therapy and acupuncture. It always helped but seemed to just be holding the problem at bay, keeping the symptoms from getting worse but rarely actually feeling better. It takes so much energy and time and money just to maintain the relatively poor level of health I am feeling, to maintain hope that it won’t decline any more.

I’ve been doing a lot of work lately, especially psychological and energetic, and that blackness is no longer pervasive. The colors are muted and covered with soot and film, but they aren’t hidden anymore. They are opening up again. Tonight for the first time, a few small spots were able to get so clear that I saw the true color of those chakras, how bright they are. I immediately thought

“My god! It’s full of stars.”

Bodymap

This is so freaking cool… I’ve gotten to the point where when I close my eyes, after a couple of seconds, I can see my energy/aura/chakras clearly enough to understand where there are problems on my physical body – for example, an area that looks grayish or brownish (or even the occasional spot of black), a spot that looks pinched or twisted, or clogging up against the flow of the rest. Then it can be used as a chart to find a corresponding spot on my body, that when giving the spot a few seconds of myofascial release technique, releases in a way that feels not unlike the joy of unbuttoning your pants after a holiday meal. Works 100% of the time.

Once the really obvious stuff is cleared in a spot, I can see more imperfections, and those tend to be deep in the body, so for those I just touch the spot and focus on releasing it. Those ones can hurt quite a bit – but just for a moment – and afterwards my whole body seems to settle differently. It’s helping so so much with the [sic]mental stuff [wow that was Freudian. I typed medical but got autocorrected. Fair enough Apple, it’s true a lot if my medical stuff is from stress, anxiety, grief, and other stuff that has been going on].

I want to try it on other people soon – right now I have no idea whether it only works on myself or if I could learn to do it for other people, which would be wonderful.

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