I feel like I finally am starting to feel some closure about my last heartbreak.  I never understood why I felt the loss so deeply, when I never really “had” this person as mine to lose.  But I did — just not in this life.  And perhaps I did have him a little in this life.  I’d like to think that there was a time when he was as drawn to me as I was to him.  Just thinking about it makes me ache. I used to say this was heart ache, but really it is an emptiness.  He left a hole that I haven’t been able to fill.  Perhaps because I kept looking to fill it with someone else, perhaps because I didn’t look very hard to fill it at all.  But now I know that it doesn’t get filled with someone else.  That particular emptiness was for him, and now I must fill it myself.

What really helped was being hit with the realization that where he is headed is not where I want to be. We won’t end up in the same place. It makes me sad to realize, partially because I am still feeling his loss and partially because I think I will end up in a better space than he will. I don’t want him to be unhappy. But it seems like that is what he picked this time around.  I won’t tell myself it’ll work out next time, because I cannot keep holding space for him. I have to let go.

It sounds like my upstairs neighbors are having sex really loudly.  Either that or they are yelling while moving furniture.  It feels a little weird to be, essentially, listening in. Especially when *I* haven’t had sex in over a year. Over a year.  That’s kind of depressing and pathetic.  I haven’t had sex since the memories started coming back, and while I want to, I’m also the tiniest bit afraid I’ll react badly.  Or dissociate.  Or remember too much past garbage.  But, I want it more than I fear what will happen.

If only it were that simple. Everyone always says that for girls it’s easy, but I’ve never experienced that. I guess it would require putting myself out there at all.  Maybe that should be my goal — make everyone aware I’d have sex with them, lol.  (Not ‘everyone’ literally).

Sometimes I wonder how many of my friends would be willing to sleep with me.  That stupid ‘meme’ the other week pulled a couple out of the woodwork, but of course it’s only the unavailable ones who want to inform me they were interested. Past tense.  The single ones… not so much.  Does hinting not work because they’re not interested? Or because my efforts to flirt fall totally flat and are unnoticeable?  What’s the worst that could happen?  Make a friendship incredibly awkward?  Actually, I guess having really bad sex would be more awkward for a friendship than being told ‘no thanks’.