I have been up most of the night trying to calm my mind, quiet my fears, collect my thoughts and find the words to voice what I’m feeling.
It occurs to me that I’ve lived a lot of my life taking advantage of the shelter that appearances have created for me. I could go anywhere in this country and be accepted based on how I present myself. The majority would not see me as something “other” than themselves. Unless and until I speak up, no one challenges my beliefs, because they assume my beliefs are their beliefs.
This ambiguity has been intentional, and while it’s partially due to liking my privacy, it’s also partially because I have benefited from it. I grew up in a very strict and religious family in a very backwards, conservative and religious part of the country. I learned at very early age that I was different from the people around me, and that being different wasn’t tolerated. I couldn’t erase who I am, but I did learn to how to hide in plain sight. At points in my life, this was a necessary survival mechanism. Now, it’s just cowardice.
I’m pretty vocal about my political and social views — enough to have become the black sheep in the family. I’ve heard multiple times this year that they “tolerate” my views. They see me as soft-hearted and misguided, and their tolerance for me is based on the perception that these are my ideals, not my life. For years, I have bitten my tongue, held back and let them make their assumptions. I’ve pretended this was to avoid conflicts and to maintain the flimsy bridge connecting me to the people who share my blood but not my values. It’s not a path I want to walk anymore. It’s better to walk alone than to share my time and energy with people who are not willing to accept my life.
Supporting Trump in this election meant supporting Trump’s views on women, minorities, the LGBTQ community, and people of different religious faiths. Half of the country has decided this is the leadership they want. This is the message they are comfortable sending to us and to the world.
This is personal for me in several ways.
As a woman, I’m tired of being made to feel like my gender is a liability in my professional, personal and public lives. I’ve felt enough conflict of my own regarding my gender. I don’t need help from a bunch of old white guys.
As a member of the LGBTQ community, I’m disgusted this country has chosen leaders who wish to revoke our rights. I don’t particularly want to ever get married, but if I change my mind, I should be able to marry the person I love, regardless of that person’s gender. And I feel for everyone who does want that life. I’m scared for those who already have built homes and families together and are left wondering what their future will hold.
As a person who is not Christian, I am dismayed by how strongly the beliefs of a portion of the country impact the entirety of the population in a nation supposedly founded on the principle of freedom of, and from, religion.
As a person with great empathy for the others who have suffered, and will suffer, more than I ever will, simply over the color of their skin or the origins of their heritage or the religion they were raised within, I am frightened by how emboldened the many bigots in this country have become.
I’ll be honest – my instinct is to find a way out of this country, but I know that’s a selfish approach. So, how do we fight in a way that makes a meaningful impact?
